Although German author Erich Kaestner attributed the quote to the queen in the 1931 children's story "Pünktchen und Anton," history suggests that Marie-Antoinette was actually a philanthropist with a strong sense of compassion for others. She was portrayed as the evil queen due to France's complicated past with Austria, as well as her failure to consummate her marriage on her wedding night. She lost her brother and sister to smallpox and her mother contracted the disease, although she survived it.
I bring this up because of the complex relationship between the authority figures in society and those who follow them. Sometimes it is a pastor who doesn't return a phone call quickly enough, or a boss who seems unresponsive to the requests he or she solicited. It is easy to hate the cartoon of the Dauphine without considering her struggles. On the other hand, we owe ourselves the truth about expectations. What is appropriate and reasonable to assume? What communication strategies may be effective (or at least more effective than others)?
Although we often think about strategies of how to deal with others' expectations of us, however I want to offer two ideas to consider in dealing with our expectations of others:
1) The story is more complicated than it seems. A woman in a club I belong to frequently cancels her obligations with little advanced notice. After seeing a pattern of this, I had a number of initial reactions including wanting to call her out on it or asking our club leadership to take action. Instead, I sent her an email asking if she were okay or needed anything. That simple gesture of caring unleashed a flood of reaction, gave me insight into the actual problem, and gave me a much clearer indication of what she was going through and how we might be able to work together in the future.
2) Other people aren't obligated to meet your expectations. In Marie-Antoinette's case, the French people had an expectation of her as an Austrian, a royal, the public face of the country's compassion, a suitable companion for Louis XIV. Celebrities generally choose their own spotlight and are desperate to remain in it as a public validation. Employees generally don't choose their bosses and children never choose their parents. I encourage open and honest communication between both, knowing that it can break through to a deeper relationship, but can also create an even higher wall. Telling your boss or parent what you need and then have them fail to give it to you can hurt. However, not asking for it at all is a great shame. While little girls dream of being princesses in a magical Disney version, the truth is that Royalty brings its own set of challenges. Your people must love you, or at least like you enough not to kill you. Other armies can march forward anytime so you must stand vigilant ready to defend your Kingdom. Your marriage, your home and your life is not your own. The most personal decisions can have long term and wide reaching implications.
People are capable of great altruism and don't always function for their own best ends. However, knowing that they can and will let you down will put you in a much better space to forgive them and not allow their shortcomings to hinder your best path.
