Let them eat cake!

When Marie-Antoinette heard the French people had no bread, she responded "Let them eat cake!" It was the decadent phrasing of a queen out of touch with her people, an embodiment of all things wrong with France, royalty and the ruling class. It has been repeated for centuries, with one simple problem: nobody is actually sure that she ever said it.

Although German author Erich Kaestner attributed the quote to the queen in the 1931 children's story "Pünktchen und Anton," history suggests that Marie-Antoinette was actually a philanthropist with a strong sense of compassion for others. She was portrayed as the evil queen due to France's complicated past with Austria, as well as her failure to consummate her marriage on her wedding night. She lost her brother and sister to smallpox and her mother contracted the disease, although she survived it.

I bring this up because of the complex relationship between the authority figures in society and those who follow them. Sometimes it is a pastor who doesn't return a phone call quickly enough, or a boss who seems unresponsive to the requests he or she solicited. It is easy to hate the cartoon of the Dauphine without considering her struggles. On the other hand, we owe ourselves the truth about expectations. What is appropriate and reasonable to assume? What communication strategies may be effective (or at least more effective than others)?

Although we often think about strategies of how to deal with others' expectations of us, however I want to offer two ideas to consider in dealing with our expectations of others:

1) The story is more complicated than it seems. A woman in a club I belong to frequently cancels her obligations with little advanced notice. After seeing a pattern of this, I had a number of initial reactions including wanting to call her out on it or asking our club leadership to take action. Instead, I sent her an email asking if she were okay or needed anything. That simple gesture of caring unleashed a flood of reaction, gave me insight into the actual problem, and gave me a much clearer indication of what she was going through and how we might be able to work together in the future.

2) Other people aren't obligated to meet your expectations. In Marie-Antoinette's case, the French people had an expectation of her as an Austrian, a royal, the public face of the country's compassion, a suitable companion for Louis XIV. Celebrities generally choose their own spotlight and are desperate to remain in it as a public validation. Employees generally don't choose their bosses and children never choose their parents. I encourage open and honest communication between both, knowing that it can break through to a deeper relationship, but can also create an even higher wall. Telling your boss or parent what you need and then have them fail to give it to you can hurt. However, not asking for it at all is a great shame. While little girls dream of being princesses in a magical Disney version, the truth is that Royalty brings its own set of challenges. Your people must love you, or at least like you enough not to kill you. Other armies can march forward anytime so you must stand vigilant ready to defend your Kingdom. Your marriage, your home and your life is not your own. The most personal decisions can have long term and wide reaching implications.

People are capable of great altruism and don't always function for their own best ends. However, knowing that they can and will let you down will put you in a much better space to forgive them and not allow their shortcomings to hinder your best path.

Why Club Building Matters

I am a proud member of Toastmasters, the world's leading communication and leadership program. We pride ourselves on being the only organization in the world solely dedicated to the individual.

We are 12,500 clubs organized across 113 countries. Yet, every year, Toastmasters International holds every club and district in the world to the same standards of attracting new members, starting new clubs and making sure members are hitting their individual goals. With so many clubs out there already, why does club building matter?

Club building is essential for three reasons:

1) Clubs that all already healthy will grow faster by multiplying. While ironic, it tends to happen pretty consistently in Toastmasters, church plants and other volunteer heavy endeavors. When new clubs form, it gives members the opportunity to get in on the ground floor, and shape something new together. Additionally, it can be valuable for the unlimited variations a club can take (themed, advanced, corporate, open, third shifters, etc.).

2) Sometimes, the load is being shouldered to heavily by a small handful of people, or even a single one. When clubs are constantly forming, new energy creates new leaders, more people are given the opportunity to grow and step up, and equally importantly giving existing the leaders the opportunity (or in some cases the impetus) to step aside.

3) While Toastmasters is definitely more well known for public speaking, the leadership program is critical. The best way I've found to understand every mechanical thing about an organization is to start one from scratch. With TM, it's a win-win because so much of the material is standardized with set expectations and tons of support around. You have an opportunity to cast vision before all kinds of community and business leaders about what life might look like with a world- or maybe just a department- full of better communicators.

I built two corporate clubs this year from scratch. I got to connect with people in other departments, talk to them about meetings that ran on time where people were prepared, and capable of making concise, interesting presentations even on short notice. The company took notice. They gave us a room, and a budget. They told senior leaders to push from the top down.

There are parts of our business I never think about, like how email on a remote server gets stuck in firewalls, and how different departments (particularly legal) might want to be involved with whatever I am putting online. With this experience, I not only found an opportunity to learn about and make friends in these departments, I found a hundred reasons to make people look good in front of their boss. Or their boss's boss. Or the head of the entire department.

I didn't join TM to get promoted or look good in front of Corporate or make a name for myself. I simply built a club because it was a message that needed to be spread. And I hope my club inspires other leaders to spread their own message. I look forward to helping them!